Visiting 'red' states

Since I will be leaving Illinois to venture to Arizona and Texas later this month, I thought I would post this survival guide for Blue Staters visiting Red States. This comes from a blog called Daily Kos.

There, I'm protected against copyright violations. :-)



The Blue Stater's Guide to Holiday Travel in the Red States
by Spiral Stairs
Mon Nov 22nd, 2004 at 09:32:54 PST

So you're a Blue Stater who plans to visit your family in the Red States over the holidays? Contrary to popular belief, travel to the Red States can still be a safe and rewarding experience, as long as you follow some basic guidelines to ensure your safety and sanity.

Diaries :: Spiral Stairs's diary ::
Preparing for your trip.

Researching your destination. Although all Red States are, in fact, exactly the same, many attempt to market themselves in ways minutely different from others. Feel free to read up on these miniscule differences so that, upon arrival, you can say things like, "They grow corn here, whereas they grow wheat in the state next door." Or, "Barbecue sauce in this state is vinegar-based, while in the state next door they use a tomato base."

Making sure you will fit in. Citizens of the Red States are very particular about their religious beliefs. If you are not a God-fearing, born-again, moral-values-having Christian, we recommend that you become one prior to your departure. Also, if you are not white, we recommend that you become white before leaving.

Packing. We encourage you to pack lightly for your trip into the Red States. If you pack heavily, Red State security forces may be concerned that you are attempting to smuggle abortion rights literature, Monday Night Football videotapes, or an independent journalist into the Red States. Even if you are not carrying contraband, you may experience delay and frustration as your shoes are searched for secret compartments containing microfiched copies of the Koran.

Strip your luggage of suspicious tags and stickers. For instance, do not attach any identification tags that include a phone number beginning with 212, 202, 213, 312, 310, or virtually any other area code comprised of 3's, 2's, 1's, and 0's. This will only call attention to yourself as a Blue Stater, and may provoke derision and catcalls.

What to expect upon arrival.

Have your papers in order. You may be asked to produce your papers for inspection at any point during your stay in the Red States. It is very important to be able to produce them in a quick and orderly fashion.

Be prepared for culture shock. Many Blue Staters are surprised by the vast cultural differences between the Red and Blue States. You should prepare yourself for the resulting culture shock. For instance:

*You will see bumper stickers and signs to which you have not previously been exposed. For instance, you will see signs such as "Bush-Cheney", "W04", and "Proud of Our Troops." Deep in the Red States, you may also see stickers and signs such as "Kickin' Butt and Takin' Arabic Names", "Osama Bin Runnin', but He Can't Be Hidin'", and "NR Fuckin' A".

*While driving, you may be unable to find any public radio. Do not panic. Instead, tune to a Rush Limbaugh broadcast and pretend it is satire.

*You will see and hear references to something called "NASCAR." When someone makes this reference, back away slowly, without making any sudden movements, and seek shelter.

*In many Red State restaurants, your food will not be served to you on a plate. Rather, you will be asked to walk alongside a vast trough of various food items segregated into categories like "fried," "deep-fried," "pan-fried," and "fried pieces of fried food," and heap unreasonable quantities of said food onto a plastic tray. Do not be alarmed. You are unlikely to die as long as you do not engage in this eating behavior more than once or twice on your trip. If you are subjected to these so-called "buffets" more than twice, we recommend you leave the Red States immediately and obtain a macrobiotic smoothie injection in the nearest Blue State.

What to do in the Red States.

Travel within the Red States. Many of you will be visiting family members and staying at their homes. You will be safe as long as you travel with these family members. Should you need to travel within the Red States without them, exercise great caution. We recommend that you carry a full-size American flag.

Sight-seeing in the Red States. Worthwhile sights found within the Red States include:

*A giant ball of twine.

*Many birthplaces of Republicans.

Family time. If you are spending time with your family, remember:

*Bite your tongue whenever someone makes a political point with which you do not agree. You will be able to seek medical attention for the dozens of injuries to your tongue upon your return to the Blue States.

*Pronounce our nation's greatest enemies, "Eye-rack" and "Eye-ran."

*Whenever the subject of military service comes up in conversation, repeat these words: "Those men made the greatest sacrifice. Freedom is not free." Then talk about football.

Leaving the Red States.

After spending a day in the Red States, you will be ready to leave. Do so quickly and inconspicuously. Once you are safely on Blue State soil, turn back toward the Red State you just departed, and scream. It will be cathartic.